Leaning forward, she crushed a cigarette butt into a chipped, clear glass ashtray within easy reach on the battered wood table between them. There were three more bent butts next to the one she just finished. On her grey t-shirt the word ‘COEXIST’ was displayed across her breasts. Instead of letters, the word was spelled out with artifacts from various science fiction franchises.
She looked up at him with brown eyes and blew out her last lungful. “Tell me a joke,” she said, and her long brown hair fell across her cheek.
The garage they sat in reeked of burnt tobacco, but he did not mind it, even though he did not smoke. Lining the wood paneled walls were shelves of various types that held the barely necessary junk collected in a functioning society. In the far corner of the ceiling was a dark hole where the sheet rock had fallen, leaving the attic exposed. Across from the double wide garage door, two other exits led from the smoke filled space. One that was closed allowed entrance into the rest of his house. Another one was open behind him to let in the cool spring air, showing the blue sky as it slowly grew darker with the setting sun. Somewhere past the wood privacy fence a dog barked in the neighborhood, but that was common enough to be unconsciously ignored.
The legs of the stool he perched on shifted under him. “Okay, here goes. Have you ever heard the one about the big blue ape?”
With a slight smile of amusement, she shook her head and sat back in the maroon padded recliner. She kicked off her flat canvas shoes to pull her feet up beside her and leaned on the frayed armrest. Her thighs stretched her blue jeans tight as she shifted her legs.
He began by spreading his hands in front of him. Hands were essential in telling a good joke. “So, there’s this rich businessman who goes to Houston. He’s never been before, so he pays his limo driver to take him around and see the sights. The driver takes him to the civic center, and he sees an electric sign out front that says, ‘Come See the Big Blue Ape’. The businessman is intrigued so he tells the driver to stop there, and he gets out. As he’s walking up to the entrance, he sees a wood sign that reads, ‘Come See the Big Blue Ape’ and in smaller print there’s a warning, ‘Don’t Touch the Big Blue Ape’. He goes through the entrance and there’s a long line of people waiting at a door with a paper sign that reads, ‘Come See the Big Blue Ape’. At the bottom of the sign is the same warning, ‘Don’t Touch the Big Blue Ape’. The businessman doesn’t want to wait, so he goes up to the lady at the front of the line and offers her two hundred bucks to let him in first, and she agrees. Another guy opens the door and lets him in. There in the room is a seven foot ape with bright blue fur sitting behind a folding table and shuffling a deck of cards. Behind the ape on the wall is a porcelain sign that reads, ‘Play a Hand of Cards with the Big Blue Ape’, and in smaller print it has, ‘Don’t Touch the Big Blue Ape’.”
Turning her body, she crossed her arms under her breasts, and the irregular letters of ‘COEXIST’ dared him to stare at them. He was secretly glad she had not reached for another cigarette yet.
He continued, “The ape starts dealing cards and the businessman plays a hand of poker with him. The ape wins and starts scooping up the cards, and when his big, hairy, blue hand is close enough, the businessman touches him. Immediately the ape leaps up and roars, beating his chest. He grabs the table and throws it aside. The businessman is terrified that this ape is going to beat him to a pulp, so he runs out of the room and heads for the building exit. Every time he looks back, the big blue ape is right behind him, knocking other people down, jumping over tables and chairs. Nothing can stop this huge ape. The businessman makes it out of the civic center and jumps back into the limo, right as the big blue ape reaches out a hand to grab him.” Stretching out a hand in front of him, he imitated the ape grasping for his prey.
Her smile began to fade, and she tilted her head.
He persisted, “The limo driver floors it, driving as fast as he can down the street. Every time the businessman looks back, he still sees the big blue ape chasing him. Now this guy is starting to panic. This ape is as fast as a car, and he’s not giving up. The limo gets him to the airport where the businessman can escape, and he takes off in his private jet just as the big blue ape makes it to the runway. Now he thinks he’s got away and looks out the airplane window to see where the big blue ape is, but the ape is right underneath the plane, running as fast as the plane is flying. He tells the pilot to fly over the Gulf of Mexico. They pass over the beach and the big blue ape dives right in, swimming so fast he’s still keeping pace with the plane. The plane makes it to Mexico but runs out of fuel and has to land. The rich guy hires a rental car and drives away just as the big blue ape gets there. The businessman drives the car until it runs out of gas, and the ape is still chasing him. He makes it to a village and buys a bicycle. He rides out of the village just as the big blue ape is about to catch up, and he heads into the desert. He looks back and still sees the big blue ape, but the ape is tired now, falling behind. Now the rich guy is running out of steam, but he looks back and the big blue ape is still chasing, one plodding step at a time. The businessman keeps riding until he falls over from exhaustion. He looks back and the big blue ape is stumbling, he’s so worn out. So, the guy gets up and starts to walk. He can’t run, he’s too tired.”
“Oh,” she let out with a chuckle. Reaching into her purse on the table she pulled out her pack of smokes, and he resisted a sigh as she selected one to put between her lips to light. Taking her first drag, she blew out the smoke as he continued.
“Then the rich guy trips and he looks back. The big blue ape is only a few feet away, but he stopped to catch his breath. The businessman starts crawling across the hot desert road, still trying to get away. Finally, the guy can’t go any further. He curls up in a ball and covers his face with his hands. He can feel the big blue ape approach, can hear each breath it takes. The presence of the big blue ape looms over him, and he opens his fingers and looks out with one eye to see what the ape is going to do. The big blue ape reaches out with one huge paw, slaps the businessman on the shoulder, says, ‘Tag, you’re it!’, and runs off.”
Politely she smiled but did not laugh.
By Aaron Ward
Published by Aaron Ward
Copyright 2024 Aaron Ward
Edition, License Notes
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Original Literature 